


grief felt so like fear

by Catory



Category: GARO (TV), GARO: Yami o Terasu Mono
Genre: Gen, Rian POV, Unreliable Narrator, theyre both fucked up but like in different ways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 18:24:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16142924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catory/pseuds/Catory
Summary: set between yamitera and goldstorm.ryuga loses one last thing in a long, long list of lost things.





	grief felt so like fear

"It went left!"

"Got it!"

Thin branches whip past Rian's face as she runs through the dark forest. Her footing's unstable and there's almost no light, and she can just barely make out the sight of Ryuga just a few meters ahead, hot on the heels of something skittering though the branches of the trees. They're not gonna be able to keep up with its pace, Rian thinks. _Fuck._

Ah, well. Time to do something risky then. Rian takes out her gun. "Ryuga, dodge!"

She opens fire wildly in the direction of the Horror. Even if she doesn’t hit it, maybe she can slow it down this way. Except apparently she doesn't need to worry about that, because she hears a furious screech and a thud, 'cause Rian is incredibly good and she _totally_ knew that was going to hit. And by the time the Horror's gotten back on its feet, Ryuga's caught up and the fight is over very, very quickly.

Business as usual. They've really become a good team, haven't they?

Rian casts a quick light spell as she jogs over. "Nice going."

"Shouldn't I be saying that to you?" Ryuga grins up at her as he sits down and wipes some sweat off his face. "Next time gimme some warning before you try to shoot my arm off, though."

"Oh please, you big baby. I barely grazed you!" Rian slaps his shoulder. "Take a minute and we can start making our way back."

"Aw, we've run kinda far from the town though. Can't we just camp here and go back in the morning?" Ryuga whines.

Rian makes a face. "I'm not sleeping on a forest floor when I _know_ we have actual beds waiting, Ryuga. C'mon, let's get the hell out of here."

"It's just some leaves and bugs, jeez. I've slept on way worse." Ryuga mutters under his breath, even as he leans back against a tree trunk to catch his breath.

Rian squints at Ryuga under the light of her madou brush. He's only got a few light scrapes that she can see, and he doesn’t look injured, but the closer she looks the more something tells her that this is wrong—

Ah. Rian swears internally.

"Hey, Ryuga… where's your. Y'know." Rian tugs at her own left lapel as she speaks. Ryuga confusedly mirrors her, grabbing the fang he's had hanging there for as long as she'd known him _and only the fang_. His eyes widen.

"Mom's—"

He leaps to his feet like he's about to start running, but Rian catches him by the elbow. "Ryuga! Calm down!"

He yanks his arm out of her grasp, eyes wild. "Don't fucking tell me to calm down, I need to find it—"

"Yeah?! How do you plan on doing that? It's tiny and we must have run through at least two miles of forest to get here! You think you can comb through all that before some bird or mouse picks it up? We'll never find it if we just go charging in like this! Think things through for once in your life!"

"But—" Ryuga looks at her in distress.

Rian steps back and rubs her temples with one hand. "Just… gimme a minute and I can point us in the right direction." Probably. Look, she's only really used tracking spells for hunting down horrors, okay? But it's not going to help matters in the slightest if she voices any of her doubts out loud though, and theoretically, the principles behind finding an object should be the same. Ryuga's counting on her.

Rian cancels her light spell and focuses.

Minutes crawl by.

She can practically _feel_ the nervous energy radiating off of Ryuga. It's not helping in the slightest. She stretches her senses to their limit, until the corners of her mind go fuzzy and she's short of breath. When she opens her eyes again, she sees Ryuga, face expectant.

Rian slowly shakes her head, and her heart breaks a little when she sees the way that the hope in his eyes dies.

* * *

They still search for it, of course. Until the sun has risen high up in the sky.

But Rian was _right._ Even if it was bright blue, it was still such a small thing. Easily buried. Shiny. Attractive to birds. She bites her lip and wishes that she hadn't said anything.

Rian rubs her eyes wit the back of her hand.

God, she's so tired. In the back of her mind she sighs over their nice comfortable inn beds that she'd paid for in advance and everything, but she's not going to suggest they go back. She keeps scanning the trees, the ground, for any sign because even if there was a tiny chance there was still _a chance,_ and so she misses the first few times Ryuga calls out her name.

"Rian!"

She whips her head up. "Did you find it?"

One look at his face tells her the answer is no. Ryuga looks at her and swallows visibly. "Rian… let's head back."

What?

"It's fine," she says. "We've still got like half the distance back to cover, there's still a chance—"

"No," he insists. "We should just go back."

Rian's tired and sore and dead on her feet, and now Ryuga wants to go back without anything to show for their efforts. "Ryuga, _what the fuck._ Whose fault is it that we're out here in the first place on this fucking fool’s errand—"

"I _KNOW!_ " In the silence that follows, Ryuga turns and punches a tree. Birds scatter.

"I!"

_Thump._

"Know!"

_Thump._

"Just… just _stop,_ Rian. It's my own damn fault," he says, voice breaking like it's killing him to say this. "It's— I should have just tied it on tighter, or dodged better or— I'm just a fucking idiot, alright, 's not your fault. So I shouldn't be dragging you around like this, right?"

Rian can't see anything but his shaking shoulders as he rests his forehead against the tree. "We're not gonna find it. _I know._ Let's just go."

Ryuga stalks off, posture stiff like he's forcing himself forwards. Rian follows. Silence lays heavy on the air as they make their way back to the inn. The whole way back, Rian watches Ryuga walk. He doesn't hesitate. He doesn't look back.

* * *

Rian can't sleep that night. After tossing and turning for what seems like hours, she gives up. Rian opens the window and swings herself up onto the roof. As her eyes adjust slowly to the moonlight, she startles because there’s someone else up here—

But it’s just Ryuga, looking just as surprised as she feels. Rian hesitates half a second before making her way up to him. He’s seen her by now. Might as well commit. They sit together in the darkness, one arm's width apart, until Ryuga clears his throat. "Sorry for yelling. Uh, earlier."

Rian wraps her arms around her legs and looks up at the stars. "Don’t apologize. I yelled first, anyways. I shouldn't have said any of that."

"Well, I still overreacted though. I shouldn’t have snapped over such a little thing—"

Rian rolls her eyes. "Okay, quit it with the tough guy act, Ryuga. I was _there,_ I know what that charm meant to you. If— if it had been my hairclip, I would have reacted the same way."

"You wouldn't have lost your hairclip in the first place, though."

"Maybe. "

They fall back into awkward silence. Again, it's Ryuga who breaks it in the end.

"… I just kept thinking. As we were searching. I don’t think Mom would have been happy with me, you feel? Losin' my shit over some pretty feathers and beads, even if they did used to be hers."

"That's not fair," Rian counters. "That just means you miss her a lot."

"I miss her so much it _scares me._ It's weird, 'cause I'd thought she was dead for years before Volcity, right? And that hurt a lot, yeah, ‘specially because Burai never fuckin' told me and I was so angry but… somehow even that didn't hurt as much as this. " Ryuga says. "But… just because I’m sad doesn't mean that I can just go running off however I like anymore. Even if that sucks to admit."

Rian looks down at her hands. "Does it really hurt that badly? Those charms aren't supposed to be something valuable enough that it'll hurt to lose."

Ryuga sighs. "I _know._ I'm just not strong enough to not get hurt anyways, I guess."

"You're pretty damn strong, Ryuga." Rian says. "It's basically part of your job description."

"If I'm so strong, how come I lost my head so easily?" Ryuga shakes his head. "I shoulda just been smart about it from the beginning. Like you. And then we wouldn't have needed to waste so much time."

"Smart about— If I'd found your mother's charm then it wouldn't have been a waste in the first place."

"But we didn't."

"… I'm sorry."

"Hey, if I'm not allowed to apologize then neither are you, alright?"

Rian smiles a little despite herself. "Right."

Out of the corner of her eye, Rian can see Ryuga put one hand over his heart. "Mom's still with me. Even if I'm not wearing the old armor she made for me anymore… even if I lost her charm… the fact that my heart hurts so much when I think about her is proof she's still in here, right? The pain's proof that the people we've lost were alive and mattered."

 _Long black hair pulled into a strict ponytail, a smile over drinks in an empty bar._ Rian's throat closes up. "Yeah."

Ryuga lets out a sigh, and he clambers to his feet. "Well, anyways. Thanks for coming up here to talk to me, Rian. Night."

Rian watches as he makes his way back to his own room window. "Night," she says automatically. Even after Ryuga's gone back inside, Rian makes no move to follow.

Absently, she touches the side of her head where she usually wears her father's memento.

* * *

The next morning, Rian stands before the tiny bathroom mirror. It's almost time to leave for the next town, and Ryuga's waiting for her outside the inn. She's almost done getting ready.

Rian's hairclip is in her hands.

It matters to her, doesn't it? It's the only thing she has left of her parents, same as Ryuga.

The same as…

She barely remembers her dad or her mom. A few faded impressions of happiness, nothing concrete. Did Rian get her smile from her mom? Did she laugh like her dad? Who knows? She couldn't even have told anyone their names, if she hadn't taken the time to look them up while she was training at Kantai. Rian runs her fingers through the soft fur lining. If she lost her hairclip, she'd be distraught.

 _No. That's a lie,_ Rian thinks.

If she lost her hairclip… she'd just be sad.

She'd just be sad, but she'd get over it. This is something she knows in her heart. But isn't there something wrong with that? It’s a precious memento of her parents, after all.

(There was hardly anything left for her to mourn to begin with.)

And despite that, Rian still has her "precious memento" and Ryuga doesn't.

Wasn't that unfair?

 _…Unfair to who?_ A small and nasty voice in the back of her head asks. Isn't she really just envious of the fact that Ryuga has such strong memories of his mother, that losing something to remember her by would hurt so much? Isn't it just _Rian_ who's a miserable excuse for a daughter, that she won't full-heartedly grieve for someone she hardly remembers?

Isn't it just that… when Ryuga said that the pain was proof that the people we've lost were alive, she hadn't thought about her mentor or mother or father at all?

(If she'd kept Enhou's hat—)

Rian hears old leather creaking, and she loosens her grip on the hairclip before she damages it permanently. God, what's _wrong_ with her? And before she can change her mind, she slips it into a pocket instead of wearing it proudly for the first time in years.

For some reason, she can't stand to look at it right now.

If Ryuga notices its absence when he greets her outside the inn, he doesn't say anything. They move on to the next town, never looking back.

**Author's Note:**

> listen i can forgive a lot of things but mr amemiya what the hell happened to the memento that ryuga took from his mom PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED TO IT YOU CAN'T JUST DO THIS WHERE IS IT


End file.
